Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”
Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat ~Censored~ every Thanksgiving.
Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called ~Censored~ scrapes.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.
Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?
Q. What’s the difference between parsley and ~Censored~?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.
Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.
Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.
Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.
Q. What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven’s First Movement.
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She’s the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.
Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define “Egghead:”
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”
Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q. Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ~Censored~ his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.
Q. What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!
Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q. What is the definition of “making love”?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q. What’s the only animal with an dick in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They’re hiring.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A virgina, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.
Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get ~Censored~ until they’re married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman’s cunt like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ~Censored~
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the ~Censored~ is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
Q. Why can’t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ~Censored~ you after you’re dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore’s ~Censored~ everyone at the party, Bitches ~Censored~ everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “~Censored~”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It’s arse!
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.
Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 30 pounds !
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”
Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat ~Censored~ every Thanksgiving.
Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called ~Censored~ scrapes.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.
Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?
Q. What’s the difference between parsley and ~Censored~?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.
Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.
Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.
Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.
Q. What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven’s First Movement.
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She’s the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.
Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define “Egghead:”
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”
Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q. Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ~Censored~ his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.
Q. What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!
Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q. What is the definition of “making love”?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q. What’s the only animal with an dick in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They’re hiring.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A virgina, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.
Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get ~Censored~ until they’re married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman’s cunt like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ~Censored~
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the ~Censored~ is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
Q. Why can’t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ~Censored~ you after you’re dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore’s ~Censored~ everyone at the party, Bitches ~Censored~ everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “~Censored~”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It’s arse!
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.
Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 30 pounds !
