The Biggest Zit Ever

The Worlds Bigget Zit

The worlds Biggest Zit Ever.  Surgery at home. Watch at your own risk (Before You Eat)

Our Next War Hero

Our
next war hero....don't ask, don't tell!

PFC
Barney Frank reporting for duty ...

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in Real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Irish virginity test kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . If she says, "That's
the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

Two Opinions - How the Human Race Started

Ouch!  But very funny - unless you're a liberal...  :-)
 

THE HUMAN RACE STARTED HOW???

 Where it all began

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked;

'How did the human race start?'

Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;

They had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama

and asked the same question.

Michelle Obama answered,

'Many years ago there were monkeys from which

the human race evolved.'

The confused girl went to her father and said,

'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me

the Human race was created by God,

And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple,

Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors

and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'

The pictures say it all!

            

        

What could go wrong?

   Let me get this straight......we've passed a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

Obama Care

Relax!

Quit paying your insurance premiums.

Free health care is here.

The doctor will see you now.

New Medical Symbol

To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, we felt it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts the Health Care Plan you will be getting.

Coming to America

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . ... . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in a n upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans .. .. and -- PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .. NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD .. . . .. . . .

The fairy said 'Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

The Morning After

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Betty

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

Atheist Holiday

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Warning 4 Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting
themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first
warning I have seen for MEN. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't
heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather
warms. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home
Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two drop-dead, good-looking, 20-something
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the
trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th,
24th,& 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th,
21st, 23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.
So, tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth
to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -



'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -





'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,

having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.


The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'