A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Western Humor
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer; another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, rolls himself a cigarette, and lights up. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no planes come.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, rolls himself a cigarette, and lights up. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no planes come.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here.... My people were many... But sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl......
"I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet...... but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Just Remember
Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.
We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash....
Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash.
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash....
Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash.
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Friday, January 29, 2010
Redneck Divorce
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Blonde vs XXX Video
A blonde decides to do something she hasn't done before, she goes to a video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around at the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen.
She calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.''
She calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.''
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A Healthy Level Of Insanity
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1... At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called...THERAPY
1... At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called...THERAPY
Monday, January 25, 2010
Favre on the Ground
Chris Auger Augdahl Here is my rendition of Farve on the Ground
(to the tune of "Pants on the Ground
" by General Larry Platt
)
(to the tune of "Pants on the Ground
" by General Larry Platt)
Favre on the ground
Favre on the ground
He's limping all over
There's Favre on the ground
Farve on the ground
Favre on the ground
He's limping all over
There's Favre on the ground
Throwin interceptions
Fumbling the ball
Help h...im off the field
There's Favre on the ground
(you can dance with a limp to this song....)
Tiger Woods Update
Breaking News:
It has been confirmed that Tiger Woods has checked into a Mississippi sex addiction clinic. Rumor has it that he will change his name upon completion of the program. Top on the list of new names include Cheetah Woods and Lion Woods.
It has been confirmed that Tiger Woods has checked into a Mississippi sex addiction clinic. Rumor has it that he will change his name upon completion of the program. Top on the list of new names include Cheetah Woods and Lion Woods.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ' A man once told me....'
------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- ------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle it!
AND MAXINE SAYS.............'MARVIN'...
Maxine just had to have the last word.
The Democrats' Version of Tax Cuts
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:
50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.
People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned Income
Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.
The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action
!).
Now do you understand?
If not, for assistance contact Nancy Pelosi.
50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.
People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned Income
Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.
People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.
The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action
!).Now do you understand?
If not, for assistance contact Nancy Pelosi.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Perfect Girls Getaway
Do NOT Pay for White Teeth!! Learn the trick discovered by a mom to turn yellow teeth white, under $10. ad http://tinyurl.com/ybolruc
Which is Better, McDonalds or Burger King, Vote now & Get a Free $250 Gift Card!!! promo http://tinyurl.com/y99aewj
Dell Laptop Testers Needed! Only 14 spots left! Submit your email on the next page to participate. promo http://tinyurl.com/yd4l3lv
********
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn't going..
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the Bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
Letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I
was Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over the
Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am".
Which is Better, McDonalds or Burger King, Vote now & Get a Free $250 Gift Card!!! promo http://tinyurl.com/y99aewj
Dell Laptop Testers Needed! Only 14 spots left! Submit your email on the next page to participate. promo http://tinyurl.com/yd4l3lv
********
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn't going..
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the Bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
Letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I
was Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over the
Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am".
Friday, January 22, 2010
Spandex stress test failure...caught on tape!
Bobsleigh rider shows her cheeky side as she splits her pants at World Championships
Thursday, January 21, 2010
USRSF
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Dear Madam
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP
YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Free Milk
For all those men who say, 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk free'. Here's an update for you! nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women FINALLY realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!!
WD-40
The product began from a search for a rust preventative
solvent and de-greaser to protect missile parts. WD-40
was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San
Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It's name comes from the
project that was to find a "water displacement"
compound. They were successful with the fortieth
formulation, thus WD-40
.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their
Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with
the product, they began smuggling (also known as
"shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The
executives decided there might be a consumer market for
it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest, as they say,
is history.
It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four
people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There
are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured
each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a
fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East says
there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses:
- Protects silver from tarnishing
- Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
- Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
- Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making
it slippery
- Keeps flies off cows
- Restores and cleans chalkboards
- Removes lipstick stains
- Loosens stubborn zippers
- Untangles jewelry chains
- Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
- Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
- Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
- Removes tomato stains from clothing
- Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
- Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
- Keeps scissors working smoothly
- Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in
homes
- Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super
fast slide
- Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease
of handling on riding mowers
- Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
- Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes
them easier to open
- Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and
close
- Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in
vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
- Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
- Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
- Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and
bicycles for easy handling
- Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps
them running smoothly
- Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and
other tools
- Removes splattered grease on stove
- Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
- Lubricates prosthetic limbs
- Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
- Removes all traces of duct tape
- I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms,
hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain
- One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts
fish
- WD-40 has been designated the "official multi-purpose
problem-solver of NASCAR," a ringing endorsement if
there ever was one. Can WD-40 can solve the Jeff Gordon
problem?
- In celebration of their 50th year, the company
conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of it's
customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is a WD-40
Fan Club).
- They compiled the information to identify the favorite
use in each of the 50 states. Naturally I was curious
about Georgia and Alabama and found the favorite use in
both states was that it "penetrates stuck bolts, lug
nuts, and hose ends."
- Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes lovebugs
from grills and bumpers."
- California's favorite use was penetrating the bolts on
the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Let me close with one final, wonderful use--the
favorite use in the State of New York--WD-40 protects
the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
No wonder they've had over 50 successful years.
solvent and de-greaser to protect missile parts. WD-40
was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San
Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It's name comes from the
project that was to find a "water displacement"
compound. They were successful with the fortieth
formulation, thus WD-40
.The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their
Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with
the product, they began smuggling (also known as
"shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The
executives decided there might be a consumer market for
it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest, as they say,
is history.
It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four
people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There
are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured
each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a
fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East says
there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are some of the uses:
- Protects silver from tarnishing
- Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
- Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
- Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making
it slippery
- Keeps flies off cows
- Restores and cleans chalkboards
- Removes lipstick stains
- Loosens stubborn zippers
- Untangles jewelry chains
- Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
- Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
- Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
- Removes tomato stains from clothing
- Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
- Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
- Keeps scissors working smoothly
- Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in
homes
- Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super
fast slide
- Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease
of handling on riding mowers
- Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
- Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes
them easier to open
- Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and
close
- Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in
vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
- Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
- Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
- Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and
bicycles for easy handling
- Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps
them running smoothly
- Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and
other tools
- Removes splattered grease on stove
- Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
- Lubricates prosthetic limbs
- Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
- Removes all traces of duct tape
- I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms,
hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain
- One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts
fish
- WD-40 has been designated the "official multi-purpose
problem-solver of NASCAR," a ringing endorsement if
there ever was one. Can WD-40 can solve the Jeff Gordon
problem?
- In celebration of their 50th year, the company
conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of it's
customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is a WD-40
Fan Club).
- They compiled the information to identify the favorite
use in each of the 50 states. Naturally I was curious
about Georgia and Alabama and found the favorite use in
both states was that it "penetrates stuck bolts, lug
nuts, and hose ends."
- Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes lovebugs
from grills and bumpers."
- California's favorite use was penetrating the bolts on
the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Let me close with one final, wonderful use--the
favorite use in the State of New York--WD-40 protects
the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
No wonder they've had over 50 successful years.
Friday, January 15, 2010
LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT..
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. or Canada BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
- A JOB,
- A DRIVERS LICENSE,
- SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
- WELFARE,
- FOOD STAMPS,
- CREDIT CARDS,
- SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
- FREE EDUCATION,
- FREE HEALTH CARE,
- A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
- BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
- THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
- AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…
Proof that the world is NUTS
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than going blind!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England- but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ * In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (>From drinking little bottles of ?) (Did our government pay for this research? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And the best for last….. Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!) Thank you all for reading this. |
Thursday, January 14, 2010
10 rules for men to follow for a happy life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other
Sincerely,
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Desert Island Sex
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Bob, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert island. They live there for a couple of years doing what is natural for men and women to do ..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Bob and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course.
Well,a couple more years went by and Bob and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried her….
She felt having sex with both Bob and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Bob and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course.
Well,a couple more years went by and Bob and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried her….
Perverted Jokes
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”
Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat ~Censored~ every Thanksgiving.
Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called ~Censored~ scrapes.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.
Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?
Q. What’s the difference between parsley and ~Censored~?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.
Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.
Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.
Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.
Q. What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven’s First Movement.
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She’s the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.
Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define “Egghead:”
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”
Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q. Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ~Censored~ his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.
Q. What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!
Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q. What is the definition of “making love”?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q. What’s the only animal with an dick in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They’re hiring.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A virgina, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.
Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get ~Censored~ until they’re married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman’s cunt like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ~Censored~
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the ~Censored~ is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
Q. Why can’t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ~Censored~ you after you’re dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore’s ~Censored~ everyone at the party, Bitches ~Censored~ everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “~Censored~”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It’s arse!
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.
Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 30 pounds !
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”
Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat ~Censored~ every Thanksgiving.
Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called ~Censored~ scrapes.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.
Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?
Q. What’s the difference between parsley and ~Censored~?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.
Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.
Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.
Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.
Q. What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven’s First Movement.
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She’s the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.
Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define “Egghead:”
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”
Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q. Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ~Censored~ his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.
Q. What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!
Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q. What is the definition of “making love”?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q. What’s the only animal with an dick in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They’re hiring.
Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.
Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick
Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A virgina, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.
Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.
Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get ~Censored~ until they’re married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman’s cunt like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ~Censored~
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the ~Censored~ is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
Q. Why can’t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ~Censored~ you after you’re dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore’s ~Censored~ everyone at the party, Bitches ~Censored~ everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “~Censored~”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It’s arse!
Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.
Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 30 pounds !
Husband Wanted
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:
.and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person.
All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. There sat a
man in a wheelchair
. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically,
“You are not expecting me to consider you, are you?? Just look at you
you have no legs!
. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically,“You are not expecting me to consider you, are you?? Just look at you
you have no legs!
The old man smiled. “Therefore, no chance to run around on you!”
The old lady snorted, “You have no arms either!”
“Therefore no chance to beat you.
Still good in bed?” she asked.
didn’t I?”
Smarter than a 1st Grader?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your
problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
.”Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
.”And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some
questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow
have four of that I have
have four of that I haveonly two of?”
.”Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
.”Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
.”Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
.”The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “Wha t goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could
.”Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
.”The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’
that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
.”The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong……
50 things to do while driving through at McDonalds.
1. Say "Amen" after you say your order.
2. Order a large cheese pizza.
3. Terminate the order by saying, "Remember, we never had this conversation." and then drive off.
4. Tell the order taker a rival fast food place is down the street and you're going with the lowest bidder.
5. When you take your order say "surprise me!"
6. Answer their questions with questions.
7. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
8. Sing your order.
9. Spell out your order.
10. Talk about your social life.
11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. After ordering say "and once your done throw it out and do it again cuz you won't get it right the first time!"
15. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
16. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
17. Ask to rent a burger.
18. Ask if there is a warrantee on your meal.
19. Order with the radio turned up at full blast.
20. Ask if you get to keep the bag. When they say "yes" start crying with happiness and call your whole family to tell them the big news.
21. Tell them to double-check to make sure your buger is, in fact, dead.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
24. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
25. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this meal.
27. Order just one fry.
28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
29. Order two different meals and then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
30. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
31. Take a picture of the person at the window.
32. Hand the person at the window a box of pizza and say, "that will be $7.95"
33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
34. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
35. Start the conversation with "My order at McDonalds, Take 1, and ... action!"
36. Ask if the burger is organically grown.
37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
38. State your order and say, "that's as far as this relationship is going to get".
39. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a burger." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your burger.
40. Tell them to take the first bite.
41. Teach the order taker a secret code. Take your order using that code.
42. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
43. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
44. Bargain with the price.
45. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
46. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that burger.
47. Wear a detective suit and pass the person at the window a breifcase and then drive off.
48. Ask if the burger has had it's shots.
49. Don't say a word. Just stare.
50. Speak in a different language.
2. Order a large cheese pizza.
3. Terminate the order by saying, "Remember, we never had this conversation." and then drive off.
4. Tell the order taker a rival fast food place is down the street and you're going with the lowest bidder.
5. When you take your order say "surprise me!"
6. Answer their questions with questions.
7. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
8. Sing your order.
9. Spell out your order.
10. Talk about your social life.
11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. After ordering say "and once your done throw it out and do it again cuz you won't get it right the first time!"
15. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
16. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
17. Ask to rent a burger.
18. Ask if there is a warrantee on your meal.
19. Order with the radio turned up at full blast.
20. Ask if you get to keep the bag. When they say "yes" start crying with happiness and call your whole family to tell them the big news.
21. Tell them to double-check to make sure your buger is, in fact, dead.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
24. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
25. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this meal.
27. Order just one fry.
28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
29. Order two different meals and then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
30. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
31. Take a picture of the person at the window.
32. Hand the person at the window a box of pizza and say, "that will be $7.95"
33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
34. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
35. Start the conversation with "My order at McDonalds, Take 1, and ... action!"
36. Ask if the burger is organically grown.
37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
38. State your order and say, "that's as far as this relationship is going to get".
39. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a burger." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your burger.
40. Tell them to take the first bite.
41. Teach the order taker a secret code. Take your order using that code.
42. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
43. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
44. Bargain with the price.
45. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
46. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that burger.
47. Wear a detective suit and pass the person at the window a breifcase and then drive off.
48. Ask if the burger has had it's shots.
49. Don't say a word. Just stare.
50. Speak in a different language.
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