Another Economic Stimulus Payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.  This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Happy Meals ?????

McDonald's Miraculous Happy Meal Still Looks The Same After 6 Months On A Table http://bf40632b.ubervidz.com

The Doctors

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that
we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6
weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of
the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in
4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest,
and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you
are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person
with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the
United States, and now.......the whole country is looking for
work!!!!!!"

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

What's in your panties?

What's in your panties? Victoria's Secret has Bed Bugs http://bit.ly/9x9wfp

Dying of AIDS

A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him: “Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?”

Dad: “So when I’m dead, no one will dare touch your mom

The Dallas Solution

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to my friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the laborers (mostly Mexican) working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for..

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans, and according to my friend, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

A midget fortune teller

Queen
Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit.

The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

Yo Mama

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade.

$50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up... She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50... Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Yo Mama

Yo momma's glasses so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

The Fix

I am sending this to virtually everybody on my e-mail list and that includes conservatives, liberals, and everybody in between. Even though we disagree on a number of issues, I count all of you as friends.. My friend and neighbor wants to promote a "Congressional Reform Act of 2010". It would contain eight provisions, all of which would probably be strongly endorsed by those who drafted the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

I know many of you will say, "this is impossible". Let me remind you, Congress has the lowest approval of any entity in Government, now is the time when Americans will join together to reform Congress - the entity that represents us.

We need to get a Senator to introduce this bill in the US Senate and a Representative to introduce a similar bill in the US House. These people will become American hero's..

Thanks,

A Fellow American



.Congressional Reform Act of 2010


1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.

A. Two Six year Senate terms
B. Six Two year House terms
C. One Six year Senate term and three Two Year House terms

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.






2. No Tenure / No Pension:

A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.






3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.






4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.






5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.







6. Congress looses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.






7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.






8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/11 .

The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career.. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.





If you agree with the above, pass it on to all in your address list. If not, just delete..

Did Lebron Make the right choice?

Did Lebron James Make the right choice choosing to go to Miami to Play with D. Wade?

Vote here

Science Fair Project For Adults

Q1: What temperature does water boil at?
A1: 212º

Q2: What do you get when you mix water, sugar, corn and yeast; Wait a while; Then strain out the solids and distill the liquid?

Something amazing happens between 184º and 192º when you distill the liquid.  Something starts to evaporate, and it is not the water. Once the evaporated liquid condenses what do you have?

(Hint)Granny Clampett sure knows. Watch out for the buckshot if you get too close.

This item ships directly from the manufacturer for $200 including the shipping. Major Credit cards are accepted.

Add distilled water, sugar, corn and yeast and this Micro Venom Combo will give you everything else to complete your science fair project.

Call Rocky between 9am - 7pm EST @ 616 644-2862 to order yours today.  Ask For the $200 Micro Venom Combo and tell him where you saw this ad.   While Supplies last or until Aug 31st.  More info at Science Fair Project

Lizzard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ..Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Short Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in "American" = I Can
The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can
The last four letters in "Democrats" = Rats


Here endeth the lesson. Any questions?
Test to follow in November.

Remember, November has been designated RODENT extermination month.

BPGlobalPR

If you want to help clean up. Drive your cars fast and often. Let's melt those glaciers and dilute this mess!

We are not killing animals in the gulf, we are creating fossils in the gulf. Have a little perspective.

To all BP employees: corporate attire is still required. Shirts and ties when cleaning the beach, please.

The other big oil companies are giggling like school girls on the inside that it's not them directly on the hotseat... *this* time.



See more @ http://twitter.com/#search?q=%23bpcares

Very Wierd

This is bizarre!

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?


B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?


C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?


How weird is that?

Colon Quips

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:


"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

...and finally

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

$15 Off all orders of $50 or more at Fredericks.com, now through June 20th!

UCLA study

A UCLA study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating,
she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However,
if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a
man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat
up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Blonde Riddle

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for
Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject
in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect
whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears
to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

Gate Crashers

This was written by a Mexican who is now a naturalized US Citizen, and I think it's a great explanation of the illegal immigration issue.

Here is the quote:

"If you had tickets to a sports event, concert, Disneyland, or for an airline flight, and when you got to your assigned seat you found someone else was in that seat, what would you do? You would call for a person in charge of ticket checking and have the person in your seat removed. You would properly be asked to show your ticket, and you would gladly and proudly do so, for you have bought and paid for that seat. The person in your seat would also be asked for a ticket, which they would not be able to produce They would be called "gate crashers" and they would properly be removed.

Now in this huge stadium called the USA we have had millions of gate crashers. We have been asking security to check for tickets and remove the gate crashers. We have been asking security to have better controls in checking at the door. We have asked security to lock the back doors. Security has failed us. They are still looking the other way. They are afraid to ask to see the tickets. Many people say there is unlimited seating, and whether there is or not, no one should be allowed in for free while the rest of us pay full price!

In "section AZ", of "Stadium USA", we have had enough of the failures of Security. We have decided to do our own ticket checking, and properly remove those who do not have tickets. Now it seems very strange to me that so many people in the other 49 "sections", and even many in our own "section" do not want tickets checked, or even to be asked to show their ticket! Even the head of Security is chastising us, while not doing his own job which he has sworn to do.

My own ticket has been bought and paid for, so I am proudly going to show it when asked to do so. I have a right to my seat, and I want the gate crashers to be asked to show their tickets too. The only reason that I can imagine anyone objecting to being asked for their ticket is that they are in favor of gate crashing, and all of the illegal activities that go with it, such as drug smuggling, gang wars, murder, human smuggling for profit, and many more illegal and inhumane acts that we are trying to prevent with our new legislation. Is that what I am hearing from all of the protesters such as Phoenix Mayor Gordon, US Rep. Grijalva, even President Obama? If you are not in favor of showing tickets, (proof of citizenship, passport, green card, or other legal document) when asked, as I would do proudly, then you must be condoning those illegal activities."


Written by a US Citizen, Globe, Arizona.

This makes perfect sense to me. What do you think?

Since Obama has never shown his ticket I guess he feels obligated to not ask others to show theirs.

The Red Phone

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN

Children's Proverbs

Purported to be requests to complete the proverb with the missing words...

-------------------------------------------

1. A miss is as good as a ____
Mr.

2. Better to be safe than ____
punch a 5th grader

3. Strike while the ____
bug is close

4. It's always darkest before ____
daylight saving time

5. Don't bite the hand that ____
looks dirty

6. You can't teach an old dog new ___
...math.

7. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ___
...stink in the morning.

8. Love all, trust ___
...me.

9. The pen is mightier than the ___
...pigs.

10. An idle mind is ___
...the best way to relax.

11. Where there's smoke there's ___
...pollution.

12. Happy the bride who ___
...gets all the presents.

13. A penny saved is ___
...not much.

14. Two's company, three's ___
...the Musketeers.

15. Don't put off till tomorrow what ___
...you put on to go to bed.

16. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ___
...you have to blow your nose.

17. There are none so blind as ___
...Stevie Wonder.

18. Children should be seen and not ___
...spanked or grounded.

19. If at first you don't succeed ___
...get new batteries.

20. You get out of something only what you ___
...see in the picture on the box.

21. When the blind leadeth the blind ___
...get out of the way.

22. Better late than ___
...pregnant.

"Don't Mess in Texas."

This is an actual response to an environmental complaint in Texas. It was referred to a county judge, and his response is attached verbatim. The complaint is so-so; the response is priceless.

TCEQ Complaint Report

Incident No: 136928
Media Type: Water
Start Date: 3/7/2010
Received Date: 03/09/2010
Priority: Refer or Do Not Respond

Regulated Entity: Generic Incident Zip Code 76687
RN104041538
Address: Limestone County

Number Complaining: 1
Frequency: Current
Program Group: Water Quality - High Level
Nature: Ossf
Effect: Environmental

Initial Problem

Limestone County

On 03/09/2010 a complaint was received at the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality Waco Regional Office. The complainant alleged that David Cousins had been leasing out a hunting cabin and allowing the hunters to defecate [sic] in the woods. It also alleged that there is no restroom, and Mr. Cousins is planning to extend plumbing into a creek next to cabin. The cabin is located at [address deleted].
Action Taken

This incident was received by the Region 9 Water Section and assigned to an investigator.

Pursuant to the Texas Administrative Code Title 30 §285.71(a) - Authorized Agent Enforcement of OSSF Complaint, this complaint is within the jurisdiction of the local code enforcement authority of Limestone County, Texas.

On 03/17/2010 this complaint was referred to the Judge Daniel Burkeen, Authorized Agent, Limestone County, for further investigation.
Response from Judge Burkeen
State of Texas
Limestone County
March 31, 2010


Daniel Burkeen
County Judge

Mr. Tim Blackmon
Water and Waste Section Work Leader
Waco Regional Office
Texas Commission on Environmental Quality

RE: TCEQ Incident No. 136926

Dear Tim:

We have had some delay in our investigation of the incidents alleged in the complaint which you kindly forwarded to us. The problem is, we have recently had a rash of reports of cows, horses, sheep and goats defecating at will in pastures throughout the county. On top of this, we suspect that wild hogs, deer, and all sorts of other animals are defecating without even trying to find a proper facility. In addition, I have personal proof on my windshield of a mischievous bird defecating in flight. The culprit flew away, but I did get a description. It was red. The gift it left was white.

In order to complete our investigation, I must ask, we should inquire into urination, or only defecation? I strongly believe that both are taking place, since hunters have long been suspected of taking a good amount of liquid refreshments with them into the woods. Also, we are collecting samples of the activities of these diabolical, defecating, reprobates. Should we send these to you, or directly to Austin?

Lastly, please allow us to handle this at the local level, and do not involve the federal government. When it comes to matter of excessive defecation, Washington bureaucrats would only add to our misery.

"Don't Mess in Texas."

Very truly yours,
signed
Daniel Burkeen

Dr Bumbutu

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes And said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?' Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...

JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER!

It's that time of the year again!!





Don't Forget Next Saturday!





WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for Muslim males to see any woman other than his wife naked, and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.



All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.



The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.



God bless America !

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.



Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.



Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
was finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.



Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was
finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the
call and feel free to call the USA anytime.



When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA free.



The devil replied, Since Obama became president of the USA , the
country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

The Biggest Zit Ever

The Worlds Bigget Zit

The worlds Biggest Zit Ever.  Surgery at home. Watch at your own risk (Before You Eat)

Our Next War Hero

Our
next war hero....don't ask, don't tell!

PFC
Barney Frank reporting for duty ...

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in Real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Irish virginity test kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . If she says, "That's
the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

Two Opinions - How the Human Race Started

Ouch!  But very funny - unless you're a liberal...  :-)
 

THE HUMAN RACE STARTED HOW???

 Where it all began

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked;

'How did the human race start?'

Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;

They had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama

and asked the same question.

Michelle Obama answered,

'Many years ago there were monkeys from which

the human race evolved.'

The confused girl went to her father and said,

'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me

the Human race was created by God,

And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple,

Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors

and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'

The pictures say it all!

            

        

What could go wrong?

   Let me get this straight......we've passed a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

Obama Care

Relax!

Quit paying your insurance premiums.

Free health care is here.

The doctor will see you now.

New Medical Symbol

To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, we felt it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts the Health Care Plan you will be getting.

Coming to America

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . ... . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in a n upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans .. .. and -- PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .. NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD .. . . .. . . .

The fairy said 'Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

The Morning After

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Betty

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

Atheist Holiday

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Warning 4 Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting
themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first
warning I have seen for MEN. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't
heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather
warms. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home
Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two drop-dead, good-looking, 20-something
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the
trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th,
24th,& 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th,
21st, 23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.
So, tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth
to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -



'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -





'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,

having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.


The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

Screen Cleaner

Open in full screen

Police Comments

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Teachers Comments

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together..

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael , the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael. "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.."

God continued pointing to different countries.. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers, streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Email Subscribe: TomsLitterBox-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Popcorn Will Blow Your Mind

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere. - Up-to-the minute news videos.

I Missed

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.



The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."


A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

Sex with an Illegal

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

  "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies.

  In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says."

  "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

  "I pay you $400." "No," she says.

  So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

  I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

  So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

  Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

  The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

  AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

Security idea

An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports.  Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be nothing about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

Southern Lessons

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way....
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."


Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Cold Enough?

(Fahrenheit / Celsius)
        +50 / +10
          * New York tenants turn on the heat
          * Wisconsinites & Ontarians plant gardens
          * Air mass too stable for super cells
    
        +40 / +4
          * Californians shiver uncontrollably
          * Wisconsinites & Albertans sunbathe
    
        +35 / +2
          * Italian cars don't start
    
        +32 / 0
          * Distilled water freezes
    
        +30 / -1
          * You can see your breath
          * You plan a vacation in Florida
          * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
          * Wisconsinites & Manitobans eat ice cream
    
        +25 / -4
          * Boston water & Lake Ontario freeze
          * Californians weep pitiably
          * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
    
        +20 / -7
          * Cleveland & New York water freezes
          * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
          * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
    
        +15 / -10
          * You plan a vacation in Acapulco
          * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you UNDER the blanket
          * Wisconsinites & B.C. residents go swimming
    
        +10 / -12
          * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
          * It's too cold to snow
          * You need jumper cables to get the car going
   
        0 / -18
          * New York landlords turn on the heat
          * Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yummy!
          * Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!

        -5 / -21
          * You can HEAR your breath
          * You plan a vacation in Hawaii
    
        -10 / -23
          * American cars don't start
          * Too cold to skate
    
        -15 / -26
          * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
          * Miamians cease to exist
          * Wisconsinites & Canadians lick flagpoles instead of ice-cream
    
        -20 / -29
          * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
          * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
          * People in Green Bay & Yukon think about taking down screens
          * Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells
    
        -25 / -32
          * Too cold to kiss (huh?  It's NEVER too cold to kiss - ^v^!)
          * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
          * Japanese cars don't start
          * Milwaukee Brewers & Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training

        -30 / -34
          * You plan a two-week hot bath
          * Pilsener freezes
          * Bock beer production begins
          * Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
    
        -38 / -39
          * Mercury freezes
          * Too cold to think
          * Wisconsinites & Canadians button top button
    
        -40 / -40
          * Californians disappear
          * Wisconsinites & Quebecers put on sweaters
          * Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you

        -50 / -46
          * Congressional hot air freezes
          * Alaskans close the bathroom window
          * Green Bay Packers practice indoors
    
        -60 / -51
          * Walruses abandon Aleutians
          * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
          * Wisconsinites & Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
          * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
    
        -70 / -57
          * Glaciers in Central Park
          * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
          * Green Bay snow-mobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
    
        -80 / -62
          * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
          * Rhinelander Birkebeiner
          * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
    
        -90 / -68
          * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
          * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
          * Minnesotians migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
          * Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
          the border

        -100 / -73
          * Santa Claus abandons North Pole
          * Wisconsinites & Canadians pull down earflaps
    
        -173 / -114
          * Ethyl alcohol freezes
          * Only Door County cherries are usable in brandy Manhattans
    
        -297 / -183
          * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
          * Microbial life survives only on dairy products
    
        -445 / -265
          * Superconductivity starts
    
        -452 / -269
          * Helium becomes a liquid
    
        -454 / -270
          * Hell freezes over
          * Chicago Cubs win the World Series
          * Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado
    
        -456 / -271
          * Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35
    
        -458 / -272
          * Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
          * Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways

        -460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
          * All atomic motion ceases
          * Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy

Doritos Super Bowl 2010

My Favorite Super Bowl commercial of 2010 goes to Doritos

American Presidents - What They Looked Like - Before and After

This is what the First Couple looked like coming into the White House and the second photo what they looked like going out...

Don't even try to say you're not laughing....