Sunday, February 21, 2010
Police Comments
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
Teachers Comments
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together..
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together..
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Balance
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael , the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael. "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.."
God continued pointing to different countries.. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers, streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael. "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.."
God continued pointing to different countries.. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers, streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I Missed
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
Sex with an Illegal
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says."
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $400." "No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says."
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $400." "No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Security idea
An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be nothing about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be nothing about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Southern Lessons
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way....
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way....
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.
Cold Enough?
(Fahrenheit / Celsius)
+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians plant gardens
* Air mass too stable for super cells
+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Wisconsinites & Albertans sunbathe
+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes
+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Wisconsinites & Manitobans eat ice cream
+25 / -4
* Boston water & Lake Ontario freeze
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20 / -7
* Cleveland & New York water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you UNDER the blanket
* Wisconsinites & B.C. residents go swimming
+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* It's too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going
0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yummy!
* Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!
-5 / -21
* You can HEAR your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Wisconsinites & Canadians lick flagpoles instead of ice-cream
-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in Green Bay & Yukon think about taking down screens
* Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells
-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss (huh? It's NEVER too cold to kiss - ^v^!)
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers & Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training
-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Wisconsinites & Canadians button top button
-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Wisconsinites & Quebecers put on sweaters
* Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snow-mobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotians migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
* Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
the border
-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Wisconsinites & Canadians pull down earflaps
-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries are usable in brandy Manhattans
-297 / -183
* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
* Microbial life survives only on dairy products
-445 / -265
* Superconductivity starts
-452 / -269
* Helium becomes a liquid
-454 / -270
* Hell freezes over
* Chicago Cubs win the World Series
* Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado
-456 / -271
* Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35
-458 / -272
* Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
* Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy
+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians plant gardens
* Air mass too stable for super cells
+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Wisconsinites & Albertans sunbathe
+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes
+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Wisconsinites & Manitobans eat ice cream
+25 / -4
* Boston water & Lake Ontario freeze
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20 / -7
* Cleveland & New York water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you UNDER the blanket
* Wisconsinites & B.C. residents go swimming
+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* It's too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going
0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yummy!
* Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!
-5 / -21
* You can HEAR your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii
-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate
-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Wisconsinites & Canadians lick flagpoles instead of ice-cream
-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in Green Bay & Yukon think about taking down screens
* Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells
-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss (huh? It's NEVER too cold to kiss - ^v^!)
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers & Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training
-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Wisconsinites & Canadians button top button
-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Wisconsinites & Quebecers put on sweaters
* Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
* Wisconsinites & Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snow-mobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotians migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
* Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
the border
-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Wisconsinites & Canadians pull down earflaps
-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries are usable in brandy Manhattans
-297 / -183
* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
* Microbial life survives only on dairy products
-445 / -265
* Superconductivity starts
-452 / -269
* Helium becomes a liquid
-454 / -270
* Hell freezes over
* Chicago Cubs win the World Series
* Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado
-456 / -271
* Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35
-458 / -272
* Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
* Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
* All atomic motion ceases
* Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
American Presidents - What They Looked Like - Before and After
This is what the First Couple looked like coming into the White House and the second photo what they looked like going out...
Gun Control?
Who doesn't like Larry the cable guy!!
Gun Control
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va . . drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
Company Slogans
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom...."
Joe answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom...."
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Free Tickets
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont , Texas , if anybody wants them. Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
Should be a good time.
Should be a good time.
Friday, February 5, 2010
...And how was your Day?
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?
Monday, February 1, 2010
What is Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Tom and his wife Tina listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched Tina's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Tom's life of celibacy..........
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Tom and his wife Tina listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched Tina's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Tom's life of celibacy..........
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