This is an actual response to an environmental complaint in Texas. It was referred to a county judge, and his response is attached verbatim. The complaint is so-so; the response is priceless.
TCEQ Complaint Report
Incident No: 136928
Media Type: Water
Start Date: 3/7/2010
Received Date: 03/09/2010
Priority: Refer or Do Not Respond
Regulated Entity: Generic Incident Zip Code 76687
RN104041538
Address: Limestone County
Number Complaining: 1
Frequency: Current
Program Group: Water Quality - High Level
Nature: Ossf
Effect: Environmental
Initial Problem
Limestone County
On 03/09/2010 a complaint was received at the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality Waco Regional Office. The complainant alleged that David Cousins had been leasing out a hunting cabin and allowing the hunters to defecate [sic] in the woods. It also alleged that there is no restroom, and Mr. Cousins is planning to extend plumbing into a creek next to cabin. The cabin is located at [address deleted].
Action Taken
This incident was received by the Region 9 Water Section and assigned to an investigator.
Pursuant to the Texas Administrative Code Title 30 §285.71(a) - Authorized Agent Enforcement of OSSF Complaint, this complaint is within the jurisdiction of the local code enforcement authority of Limestone County, Texas.
On 03/17/2010 this complaint was referred to the Judge Daniel Burkeen, Authorized Agent, Limestone County, for further investigation.
Response from Judge Burkeen
State of Texas
Limestone County
March 31, 2010
Daniel Burkeen
County Judge
Mr. Tim Blackmon
Water and Waste Section Work Leader
Waco Regional Office
Texas Commission on Environmental Quality
RE: TCEQ Incident No. 136926
Dear Tim:
We have had some delay in our investigation of the incidents alleged in the complaint which you kindly forwarded to us. The problem is, we have recently had a rash of reports of cows, horses, sheep and goats defecating at will in pastures throughout the county. On top of this, we suspect that wild hogs, deer, and all sorts of other animals are defecating without even trying to find a proper facility. In addition, I have personal proof on my windshield of a mischievous bird defecating in flight. The culprit flew away, but I did get a description. It was red. The gift it left was white.
In order to complete our investigation, I must ask, we should inquire into urination, or only defecation? I strongly believe that both are taking place, since hunters have long been suspected of taking a good amount of liquid refreshments with them into the woods. Also, we are collecting samples of the activities of these diabolical, defecating, reprobates. Should we send these to you, or directly to Austin?
Lastly, please allow us to handle this at the local level, and do not involve the federal government. When it comes to matter of excessive defecation, Washington bureaucrats would only add to our misery.
"Don't Mess in Texas."
Very truly yours,
signed
Daniel Burkeen
