The Daily Litter Box

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

2011-05-07T10:40:00.000-04:00

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Another Economic Stimulus Payment

2010-12-13T16:43:00.002-05:00

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Happy Meals ?????

2010-10-13T12:35:00.001-04:00

McDonald's Miraculous Happy Meal Still Looks The Same After 6 Months On A Table http://bf40632b.ubervidz.com

The Doctors

2010-09-13T13:21:00.001-04:00

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that
we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6
weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of
the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in
4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest,
and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you
are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person
with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the
United States, and now.......the whole country is looking for
work!!!!!!"

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

2010-09-08T17:23:00.001-04:00

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

What's in your panties?

2010-08-25T19:28:00.001-04:00

What's in your panties? Victoria's Secret has Bed Bugs http://bit.ly/9x9wfp

Dying of AIDS

2010-08-16T14:24:00.001-04:00

A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him: “Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?”

Dad: “So when I’m dead, no one will dare touch your mom

The Dallas Solution

2010-08-13T15:54:00.002-04:00

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to my friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the laborers (mostly Mexican) working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for..

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans, and according to my friend, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

A midget fortune teller

2010-08-06T03:34:00.001-04:00

Queen
Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit.

The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

Yo Mama

2010-07-31T17:59:00.001-04:00

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade.

$50 Lesson

2010-07-31T17:56:00.001-04:00

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up... She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50... Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Yo Mama

2010-07-23T21:44:00.001-04:00

Yo momma's glasses so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

2010-07-18T20:21:00.000-04:00

The Fix

2010-07-17T19:05:00.001-04:00

I am sending this to virtually everybody on my e-mail list and that includes conservatives, liberals, and everybody in between. Even though we disagree on a number of issues, I count all of you as friends.. My friend and neighbor wants to promote a "Congressional Reform Act of 2010". It would contain eight provisions, all of which would probably be strongly endorsed by those who drafted the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

I know many of you will say, "this is impossible". Let me remind you, Congress has the lowest approval of any entity in Government, now is the time when Americans will join together to reform Congress - the entity that represents us.

We need to get a Senator to introduce this bill in the US Senate and a Representative to introduce a similar bill in the US House. These people will become American hero's..

Thanks,

A Fellow American

.Congressional Reform Act of 2010

1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.

A. Two Six year Senate terms
B. Six Two year House terms
C. One Six year Senate term and three Two Year House terms

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

2. No Tenure / No Pension:

A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.

4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

6. Congress looses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/11 .

The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career.. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

If you agree with the above, pass it on to all in your address list. If not, just delete..

Did Lebron Make the right choice?

2010-07-11T02:15:00.001-04:00

Did Lebron James Make the right choice choosing to go to Miami to Play with D. Wade?

Vote here

Science Fair Project For Adults

2010-07-04T01:07:00.002-04:00

Q1: What temperature does water boil at?
A1: 212º

Q2: What do you get when you mix water, sugar, corn and yeast; Wait a while; Then strain out the solids and distill the liquid?

Something amazing happens between 184º and 192º when you distill the liquid. Something starts to evaporate, and it is not the water. Once the evaporated liquid condenses what do you have?

(Hint)Granny Clampett sure knows. Watch out for the buckshot if you get too close.

This item ships directly from the manufacturer for $200 including the shipping. Major Credit cards are accepted.

Add distilled water, sugar, corn and yeast and this Micro Venom Combo will give you everything else to complete your science fair project.

Call Rocky between 9am - 7pm EST @ 616 644-2862 to order yours today. Ask For the $200 Micro Venom Combo and tell him where you saw this ad. While Supplies last or until Aug 31st. More info at Science Fair Project

Lizzard Birth

2010-06-27T21:53:00.002-04:00

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ..Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Short Spelling Lesson

2010-06-22T18:37:00.001-04:00

The last four letters in "American" = I Can
The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can
The last four letters in "Democrats" = Rats

Here endeth the lesson. Any questions?
Test to follow in November.

Remember, November has been designated RODENT extermination month.

BPGlobalPR

2010-06-15T11:53:00.001-04:00

If you want to help clean up. Drive your cars fast and often. Let's melt those glaciers and dilute this mess!

We are not killing animals in the gulf, we are creating fossils in the gulf. Have a little perspective.

To all BP employees: corporate attire is still required. Shirts and ties when cleaning the beach, please.

The other big oil companies are giggling like school girls on the inside that it's not them directly on the hotseat... *this* time.

See more @ http://twitter.com/#search?q=%23bpcares

Very Wierd

2010-06-14T22:43:00.001-04:00
This is bizarre!

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that?

Colon Quips

2010-06-14T22:39:00.001-04:00
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

...and finally

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

$15 Off all orders of $50 or more at Fredericks.com, now through June 20th!

UCLA study

2010-06-14T22:34:00.001-04:00
A UCLA study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating,
she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However,
if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a
man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat
up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Blonde Riddle

2010-06-14T22:30:00.001-04:00
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for
Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject
in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect
whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears
to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

Gate Crashers

2010-06-13T15:20:00.001-04:00

This was written by a Mexican who is now a naturalized US Citizen, and I think it's a great explanation of the illegal immigration issue.

Here is the quote:

"If you had tickets to a sports event, concert, Disneyland, or for an airline flight, and when you got to your assigned seat you found someone else was in that seat, what would you do? You would call for a person in charge of ticket checking and have the person in your seat removed. You would properly be asked to show your ticket, and you would gladly and proudly do so, for you have bought and paid for that seat. The person in your seat would also be asked for a ticket, which they would not be able to produce They would be called "gate crashers" and they would properly be removed.

Now in this huge stadium called the USA we have had millions of gate crashers. We have been asking security to check for tickets and remove the gate crashers. We have been asking security to have better controls in checking at the door. We have asked security to lock the back doors. Security has failed us. They are still looking the other way. They are afraid to ask to see the tickets. Many people say there is unlimited seating, and whether there is or not, no one should be allowed in for free while the rest of us pay full price!

In "section AZ", of "Stadium USA", we have had enough of the failures of Security. We have decided to do our own ticket checking, and properly remove those who do not have tickets. Now it seems very strange to me that so many people in the other 49 "sections", and even many in our own "section" do not want tickets checked, or even to be asked to show their ticket! Even the head of Security is chastising us, while not doing his own job which he has sworn to do.

My own ticket has been bought and paid for, so I am proudly going to show it when asked to do so. I have a right to my seat, and I want the gate crashers to be asked to show their tickets too. The only reason that I can imagine anyone objecting to being asked for their ticket is that they are in favor of gate crashing, and all of the illegal activities that go with it, such as drug smuggling, gang wars, murder, human smuggling for profit, and many more illegal and inhumane acts that we are trying to prevent with our new legislation. Is that what I am hearing from all of the protesters such as Phoenix Mayor Gordon, US Rep. Grijalva, even President Obama? If you are not in favor of showing tickets, (proof of citizenship, passport, green card, or other legal document) when asked, as I would do proudly, then you must be condoning those illegal activities."

Written by a US Citizen, Globe, Arizona.

This makes perfect sense to me. What do you think?

Since Obama has never shown his ticket I guess he feels obligated to not ask others to show theirs.

The Red Phone

2010-06-03T00:51:00.001-04:00
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

The Blind Bunny

2010-06-02T18:11:00.001-04:00
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN

Children's Proverbs

2010-05-30T08:14:00.001-04:00
Purported to be requests to complete the proverb with the missing words...

-------------------------------------------

1. A miss is as good as a ____
Mr.

2. Better to be safe than ____
punch a 5th grader

3. Strike while the ____
bug is close

4. It's always darkest before ____
daylight saving time

5. Don't bite the hand that ____
looks dirty

6. You can't teach an old dog new ___
...math.

7. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ___
...stink in the morning.

8. Love all, trust ___
...me.

9. The pen is mightier than the ___
...pigs.

10. An idle mind is ___
...the best way to relax.

11. Where there's smoke there's ___
...pollution.

12. Happy the bride who ___
...gets all the presents.

13. A penny saved is ___
...not much.

14. Two's company, three's ___
...the Musketeers.

15. Don't put off till tomorrow what ___
...you put on to go to bed.

16. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ___
...you have to blow your nose.

17. There are none so blind as ___
...Stevie Wonder.

18. Children should be seen and not ___
...spanked or grounded.

19. If at first you don't succeed ___
...get new batteries.

20. You get out of something only what you ___
...see in the picture on the box.

21. When the blind leadeth the blind ___
...get out of the way.

22. Better late than ___
...pregnant.

"Don't Mess in Texas."

2010-05-30T08:10:00.001-04:00
This is an actual response to an environmental complaint in Texas. It was referred to a county judge, and his response is attached verbatim. The complaint is so-so; the response is priceless.

TCEQ Complaint Report

Incident No: 136928
Media Type: Water
Start Date: 3/7/2010
Received Date: 03/09/2010
Priority: Refer or Do Not Respond

Regulated Entity: Generic Incident Zip Code 76687
RN104041538
Address: Limestone County

Number Complaining: 1
Frequency: Current
Program Group: Water Quality - High Level
Nature: Ossf
Effect: Environmental

Initial Problem

Limestone County

On 03/09/2010 a complaint was received at the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality Waco Regional Office. The complainant alleged that David Cousins had been leasing out a hunting cabin and allowing the hunters to defecate [sic] in the woods. It also alleged that there is no restroom, and Mr. Cousins is planning to extend plumbing into a creek next to cabin. The cabin is located at [address deleted].
Action Taken

This incident was received by the Region 9 Water Section and assigned to an investigator.

Pursuant to the Texas Administrative Code Title 30 §285.71(a) - Authorized Agent Enforcement of OSSF Complaint, this complaint is within the jurisdiction of the local code enforcement authority of Limestone County, Texas.

On 03/17/2010 this complaint was referred to the Judge Daniel Burkeen, Authorized Agent, Limestone County, for further investigation.
Response from Judge Burkeen
State of Texas
Limestone County
March 31, 2010

Daniel Burkeen
County Judge

Mr. Tim Blackmon
Water and Waste Section Work Leader
Waco Regional Office
Texas Commission on Environmental Quality

RE: TCEQ Incident No. 136926

Dear Tim:

We have had some delay in our investigation of the incidents alleged in the complaint which you kindly forwarded to us. The problem is, we have recently had a rash of reports of cows, horses, sheep and goats defecating at will in pastures throughout the county. On top of this, we suspect that wild hogs, deer, and all sorts of other animals are defecating without even trying to find a proper facility. In addition, I have personal proof on my windshield of a mischievous bird defecating in flight. The culprit flew away, but I did get a description. It was red. The gift it left was white.

In order to complete our investigation, I must ask, we should inquire into urination, or only defecation? I strongly believe that both are taking place, since hunters have long been suspected of taking a good amount of liquid refreshments with them into the woods. Also, we are collecting samples of the activities of these diabolical, defecating, reprobates. Should we send these to you, or directly to Austin?

Lastly, please allow us to handle this at the local level, and do not involve the federal government. When it comes to matter of excessive defecation, Washington bureaucrats would only add to our misery.

"Don't Mess in Texas."

Very truly yours,
signed
Daniel Burkeen

Dr Bumbutu

2010-05-30T07:57:00.001-04:00
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes And said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?' Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...

JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER!

2010-05-05T18:41:00.001-04:00

It's that time of the year again!!

Don't Forget Next Saturday!

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for Muslim males to see any woman other than his wife naked, and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin

2010-04-09T22:02:00.001-04:00
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
was finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was
finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the
call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, Since Obama became president of the USA , the
country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

The Biggest Zit Ever

2010-03-29T10:29:00.003-04:00

The Worlds Bigget Zit
The worlds Biggest Zit Ever. Surgery at home. Watch at your own risk (Before You Eat)

Our Next War Hero

2010-03-28T22:55:00.000-04:00

Our
next war hero....don't ask, don't tell!

PFC
Barney Frank reporting for duty ...

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

2010-03-26T20:17:00.002-04:00

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in Real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Irish virginity test kit

2010-03-26T17:54:00.001-04:00
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . If she says, "That's
the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

Two Opinions - How the Human Race Started

2010-03-26T12:41:00.002-04:00

Ouch! But very funny - unless you're a liberal... :-)

THE HUMAN RACE STARTED HOW???

Where it all began

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked;

'How did the human race start?'

Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;

They had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama

and asked the same question.

Michelle Obama answered,

'Many years ago there were monkeys from which

the human race evolved.'

The confused girl went to her father and said,

'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me

the Human race was created by God,

And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple,

Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors

and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'

The pictures say it all!





What could go wrong?

2010-03-26T12:40:00.002-04:00

Let me get this straight......we've passed a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, to be signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What the hell could possibly go wrong?

Obama Care

2010-03-26T12:39:00.003-04:00
Relax!

Quit paying your insurance premiums.

Free health care is here.

The doctor will see you now.

New Medical Symbol

2010-03-26T12:38:00.001-04:00

To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, we felt it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts the Health Care Plan you will be getting.

Coming to America

2010-03-26T12:34:00.001-04:00

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . ... . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in a n upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans .. .. and -- PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .. NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD .. . . .. . . .

The fairy said 'Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

The Morning After

2010-03-21T02:36:00.001-04:00
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Betty

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

Atheist Holiday

2010-03-16T09:05:00.001-04:00
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Warning 4 Men

2010-03-15T09:30:00.001-04:00
Women often receive warnings about protecting
themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first
warning I have seen for MEN. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't
heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather
warms. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home
Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two drop-dead, good-looking, 20-something
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the
trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they
say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th,
24th,& 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th,
21st, 23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.
So, tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth
to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

2010-03-14T16:35:00.001-04:00
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,

having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

Screen Cleaner

2010-02-21T15:23:00.000-05:00

Open in full screen

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br /&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Police Comments

2010-02-21T15:22:00.001-05:00
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Teachers Comments

2010-02-21T15:21:00.001-05:00
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together..

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Balance

2010-02-19T15:40:00.002-05:00
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael , the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael. "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.."

God continued pointing to different countries.. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers, streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Email Subscribe: TomsLitterBox-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Popcorn Will Blow Your Mind

2010-02-18T22:20:00.001-05:00

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere. - Up-to-the minute news videos.

I Missed

2010-02-16T14:42:00.001-05:00
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister ! Is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

Sex with an Illegal

2010-02-16T11:41:00.004-05:00

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says."

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $400." "No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

Security idea

2010-02-15T18:53:00.002-05:00
An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be nothing about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

Southern Lessons

2010-02-09T21:04:00.001-05:00
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way....
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Cold Enough?

2010-02-09T21:01:00.003-05:00
(Fahrenheit / Celsius)
        +50 / +10
          * New York tenants turn on the heat
          * Wisconsinites & Ontarians plant gardens
          * Air mass too stable for super cells

        +40 / +4
          * Californians shiver uncontrollably
          * Wisconsinites & Albertans sunbathe

        +35 / +2
          * Italian cars don't start

        +32 / 0
          * Distilled water freezes

        +30 / -1
          * You can see your breath
          * You plan a vacation in Florida
          * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
          * Wisconsinites & Manitobans eat ice cream

        +25 / -4
          * Boston water & Lake Ontario freeze
          * Californians weep pitiably
          * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

        +20 / -7
          * Cleveland & New York water freezes
          * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
          * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

        +15 / -10
          * You plan a vacation in Acapulco
          * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you UNDER the blanket
          * Wisconsinites & B.C. residents go swimming

        +10 / -12
          * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
          * It's too cold to snow
          * You need jumper cables to get the car going

        0 / -18
          * New York landlords turn on the heat
          * Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yummy!
          * Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!

        -5 / -21
          * You can HEAR your breath
          * You plan a vacation in Hawaii

        -10 / -23
          * American cars don't start
          * Too cold to skate

        -15 / -26
          * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
          * Miamians cease to exist
          * Wisconsinites & Canadians lick flagpoles instead of ice-cream

        -20 / -29
          * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
          * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
          * People in Green Bay & Yukon think about taking down screens
          * Every other storm chaser thinks air is too stable for supercells

        -25 / -32
          * Too cold to kiss (huh? It's NEVER too cold to kiss - ^v^!)
          * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
          * Japanese cars don't start
          * Milwaukee Brewers & Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training

        -30 / -34
          * You plan a two-week hot bath
          * Pilsener freezes
          * Bock beer production begins
          * Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

        -38 / -39
          * Mercury freezes
          * Too cold to think
          * Wisconsinites & Canadians button top button

        -40 / -40
          * Californians disappear
          * Wisconsinites & Quebecers put on sweaters
          * Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you

        -50 / -46
          * Congressional hot air freezes
          * Alaskans close the bathroom window
          * Green Bay Packers practice indoors

        -60 / -51
          * Walruses abandon Aleutians
          * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
          * Wisconsinites & Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
          * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

        -70 / -57
          * Glaciers in Central Park
          * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
          * Green Bay snow-mobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

        -80 / -62
          * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
          * Rhinelander Birkebeiner
          * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

        -90 / -68
          * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
          * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
          * Minnesotians migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer
          * Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
          the border

        -100 / -73
          * Santa Claus abandons North Pole
          * Wisconsinites & Canadians pull down earflaps

        -173 / -114
          * Ethyl alcohol freezes
          * Only Door County cherries are usable in brandy Manhattans

        -297 / -183
          * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
          * Microbial life survives only on dairy products

        -445 / -265
          * Superconductivity starts

        -452 / -269
          * Helium becomes a liquid

        -454 / -270
          * Hell freezes over
          * Chicago Cubs win the World Series
          * Roger Edwards sees a wedge tornado

        -456 / -271
          * Texas drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-35

        -458 / -272
          * Incumbent politicians renounce campaign contributions
          * Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways

        -460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
          * All atomic motion ceases
          * Wisconsinites admit it's getting a mite nippy

Doritos Super Bowl 2010

2010-02-08T00:24:00.002-05:00

My Favorite Super Bowl commercial of 2010 goes to Doritos

American Presidents - What They Looked Like - Before and After

2010-02-07T23:13:00.004-05:00

This is what the First Couple looked like coming into the White House and the second photo what they looked like going out...

Don't even try to say you're not laughing....

Gun Control?

2010-02-07T23:12:00.002-05:00

Who doesn't like Larry the cable guy!!

Gun Control
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in WVA, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Va . . drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

Constipation?

2010-02-07T23:08:00.002-05:00

Company Slogans

2010-02-07T00:02:00.000-05:00

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

Free Tickets

2010-02-06T11:08:00.003-05:00
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont , Texas , if anybody wants them. Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

...And how was your Day?

2010-02-05T19:23:00.002-05:00

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day?

Miss Me Yet?

2010-02-05T17:46:00.002-05:00

Woman With Biggest Boobs Ever?

2010-02-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

What is Celibacy

2010-02-01T17:26:00.001-05:00
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Tom and his wife Tina listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched Tina's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Tom's life of celibacy..........

Blonde and the Firemen!

2010-01-31T01:10:00.002-05:00
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

Western Humor

2010-01-30T08:39:00.002-05:00

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman Montana  airport, while waiting for their respective flights...

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer; another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, rolls himself a cigarette, and lights up. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no planes come.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here.... My people were many... But sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl......

"I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet...... but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Just Remember

2010-01-30T07:45:00.000-05:00
Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.
We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash....
Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash.

Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"

Redneck Divorce

2010-01-29T18:37:00.001-05:00
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Deer in boat

2010-01-28T09:06:00.001-05:00
unbelievable

Send this page to all the whitetail deer hunter that you know.

Blonde vs XXX Video

2010-01-27T15:43:00.000-05:00
A blonde decides to do something she hasn't done before, she goes to a video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around at the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen.

She calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"

The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.''

A Healthy Level Of Insanity

2010-01-26T22:56:00.000-05:00
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1... At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called...THERAPY

I'm Moving Because...

2010-01-26T21:57:00.001-05:00

Favre on the Ground

2010-01-25T15:47:00.012-05:00
Chris Auger Augdahl Here is my rendition of Farve on the Ground

(to the tune of "Pants on the Ground" by General Larry Platt)

Favre on the ground
Favre on the ground
He's limping all over
There's Favre on the ground

Farve on the ground
Favre on the ground
He's limping all over
There's Favre on the ground

Throwin interceptions
Fumbling the ball
Help h...im off the field
There's Favre on the ground

(you can dance with a limp to this song....)

Tiger Woods Update

2010-01-25T13:10:00.000-05:00
Breaking News:

It has been confirmed that Tiger Woods has checked into a Mississippi sex addiction clinic. Rumor has it that he will change his name upon completion of the program. Top on the list of new names include Cheetah Woods and Lion Woods.

Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine

2010-01-24T18:37:00.001-05:00

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ' A man once told me....'
------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- ---------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS.............'MARVIN'...

Maxine just had to have the last word.

The Democrats' Version of Tax Cuts

2010-01-24T18:02:00.000-05:00
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people went to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.

People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.

The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action!).

Now do you understand?

If not, for assistance contact Nancy Pelosi.

Perfect Girls Getaway

2010-01-23T05:19:00.001-05:00
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********

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn't going..

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in
the Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
Letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I
was Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over the
Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am".

Spandex stress test failure...caught on tape!

2010-01-22T16:23:00.003-05:00
Bobsleigh rider shows her cheeky side as she splits her pants at World Championships

USRSF

2010-01-21T11:53:00.002-05:00
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

'HELLOOOO' CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??

2010-01-21T00:18:00.002-05:00

Mad Skills

If you need assistance smiling, there's always help!

25 Things I hate about Facebook

2010-01-19T21:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Madam

2010-01-18T17:38:00.002-05:00

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

WELL, SHIT

Free Milk

2010-01-17T15:50:00.000-05:00

For all those men who say, 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk free'. Here's an update for you! nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women FINALLY realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!!!!

Was that Today?

2010-01-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

Speak English

2010-01-17T13:01:00.001-05:00

Life Is Too Short

2010-01-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

WD-40

2010-01-17T03:09:00.001-05:00
The product began from a search for a rust preventative
solvent and de-greaser to protect missile parts. WD-40
was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San
Diego Rocket Chemical Company. It's name comes from the
project that was to find a "water displacement"
compound. They were successful with the fortieth
formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their
Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with
the product, they began smuggling (also known as
"shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The
executives decided there might be a consumer market for
it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest, as they say,
is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four
people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There
are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured
each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a
fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East says
there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

- Protects silver from tarnishing
- Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
- Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
- Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making
it slippery
- Keeps flies off cows
- Restores and cleans chalkboards
- Removes lipstick stains
- Loosens stubborn zippers
- Untangles jewelry chains
- Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
- Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
- Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
- Removes tomato stains from clothing
- Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
- Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
- Keeps scissors working smoothly
- Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in
homes
- Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super
fast slide
- Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease
of handling on riding mowers
- Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
- Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes
them easier to open
- Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and
close
- Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in
vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
- Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
- Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
- Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and
bicycles for easy handling
- Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps
them running smoothly
- Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and
other tools
- Removes splattered grease on stove
- Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
- Lubricates prosthetic limbs
- Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
- Removes all traces of duct tape
- I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms,
hands, knees to relieve arthritis pain
- One fellow claims spraying it on fishing lures attracts
fish
- WD-40 has been designated the "official multi-purpose
problem-solver of NASCAR," a ringing endorsement if
there ever was one. Can WD-40 can solve the Jeff Gordon
problem?
- In celebration of their 50th year, the company
conducted a contest to learn the favorite uses of it's
customers and fan club members, (Yes, there is a WD-40
Fan Club).
- They compiled the information to identify the favorite
use in each of the 50 states. Naturally I was curious
about Georgia and Alabama and found the favorite use in
both states was that it "penetrates stuck bolts, lug
nuts, and hose ends."
- Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes lovebugs
from grills and bumpers."
- California's favorite use was penetrating the bolts on
the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Let me close with one final, wonderful use--the
favorite use in the State of New York--WD-40 protects
the Statue of Liberty from the elements.

No wonder they've had over 50 successful years.

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT

2010-01-15T22:06:00.001-05:00

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT..
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. or Canada BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
A JOB,
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

Proof that the world is NUTS

2010-01-15T21:56:00.004-05:00

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than going blind!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England- but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *

In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(>From drinking little bottles of ?)
(Did our government pay for this research?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And the best for last…..

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.
                                          If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !

10 rules for men to follow for a happy life

2010-01-14T18:37:00.001-05:00

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

Words of Wisdom

2010-01-14T12:29:00.002-05:00

funny, joke, t-shirt, running

Desert Island Sex

2010-01-13T08:41:00.000-05:00

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Bob, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert island. They live there for a couple of years doing what is natural for men and women to do ..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Bob and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course.
Well,a couple more years went by and Bob and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried her….

Perverted Jokes

2010-01-13T08:39:00.000-05:00

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat ~Censored~ every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called ~Censored~ scrapes.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What’s the difference between parsley and ~Censored~?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There’s always a spare.

Q. What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven’s First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She’s the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis…even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Q. What’s red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.

Q. Define “Egghead:”
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!

Q. What’s a necrophiliac’s biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Q. Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader ~Censored~ his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of “making love”?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What’s the only animal with an dick in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They’re hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A virgina, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get ~Censored~ until they’re married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating…

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. Why is a woman’s cunt like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They’re going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ~Censored~

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the ~Censored~ is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.

Q. Why can’t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don’t look down.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ~Censored~ you after you’re dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore’s ~Censored~ everyone at the party, Bitches ~Censored~ everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout “~Censored~”?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you

Q. What’s the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.

Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

Q. What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It’s arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 30 pounds !

Husband Wanted

2010-01-13T08:14:00.002-05:00

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group,
must not run around on me,
must not beat me,
and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. There sat a
man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically,
“You are not expecting me to consider you, are you?? Just look at you
you have no legs!

The old man smiled. “Therefore, no chance to run around on you!”

The old lady snorted, “You have no arms either!”

“Therefore no chance to beat you.

Still good in bed?” she asked.

The old man smirked and said, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

Smarter than a 1st Grader?

2010-01-13T08:05:00.002-05:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your
problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some
questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “Wha t goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry rep! lied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’
that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong……

50 things to do while driving through at McDonalds.

2010-01-13T07:11:00.003-05:00
1. Say "Amen" after you say your order.

2. Order a large cheese pizza.

3. Terminate the order by saying, "Remember, we never had this conversation." and then drive off.

4. Tell the order taker a rival fast food place is down the street and you're going with the lowest bidder.

5. When you take your order say "surprise me!"

6. Answer their questions with questions.

7. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

8. Sing your order.

9. Spell out your order.

10. Talk about your social life.

11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

13. Change your accent every three seconds.

14. After ordering say "and once your done throw it out and do it again cuz you won't get it right the first time!"

15. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

16. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

17. Ask to rent a burger.

18. Ask if there is a warrantee on your meal.

19. Order with the radio turned up at full blast.

20. Ask if you get to keep the bag. When they say "yes" start crying with happiness and call your whole family to tell them the big news.

21. Tell them to double-check to make sure your buger is, in fact, dead.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

24. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

25. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this meal.

27. Order just one fry.

28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

29. Order two different meals and then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

30. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

31. Take a picture of the person at the window.

32. Hand the person at the window a box of pizza and say, "that will be $7.95"

33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

34. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

35. Start the conversation with "My order at McDonalds, Take 1, and ... action!"

36. Ask if the burger is organically grown.

37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

38. State your order and say, "that's as far as this relationship is going to get".

39. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a burger." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your burger.

40. Tell them to take the first bite.

41. Teach the order taker a secret code. Take your order using that code.

42. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

43. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

44. Bargain with the price.

45. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

46. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that burger.

47. Wear a detective suit and pass the person at the window a breifcase and then drive off.

48. Ask if the burger has had it's shots.

49. Don't say a word. Just stare.

50. Speak in a different language.

First time in Church

2010-01-13T05:29:00.002-05:00

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers
passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster
piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me
Daddy, I'm under five."

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Oh To Be King?

2010-01-13T00:01:00.006-05:00

One of the reasons
Mummy won't let him be king

20 Management Styles

2010-01-12T09:56:00.003-05:00

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.

Amendment # 28

2010-01-12T09:32:00.002-05:00
Please pass this along to as many people as you can and do it quickly! We want this one to spread across the nation this week! Thank you.

Proposed Amendment # 28 to the US Constitution

Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives, and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States.

  I repeat

Please pass this along to as many people as you can and do it quickly! We want this one to spread across the nation this week! Thank you.